My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
