I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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