I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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