Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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