i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
