I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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