you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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