Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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