It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
