she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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