Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
