I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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