Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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