anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
