what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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