I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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