i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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