I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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