ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
