I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
