I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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