Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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