I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
