I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My cat gives me a boner
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
