We're facebook friends in real life
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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