I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have aggressive nipples.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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