Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
