i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
