I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
