I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
