If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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