How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
