I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
