Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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