this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
