DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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