I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
