yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
