The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
