My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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