got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He had one of those small greek statue penises
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
