oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
