How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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