We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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