Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
