Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
