Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
