I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
