census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
