apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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