i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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