I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
